“Cheese” Roll

submitted by Natalie Zea

This looks disgusting on paper. In fact, when my mother included it in the handwritten recipe book she gave me for high school graduation*, I was certain I would never ever make an attempt at cooking, I mean ASSEMBLING, it. Perhaps I was desperate or high or both, but one thing led to another and now it’s a perpetual crowd pleaser at parties. Please trust me on this. You won’t be able to stop eating it once you start. You’ve been warned.

*My mom was a huge stoner and never wore a bra and left me home alone starting at age 5. She was never the handwritten recipe type. I have no idea where this June Cleaver turn came from, but I was forever grateful for it.

“Cheese” Roll


  • 11 oz. Velveeta

  • 8 oz. cream cheese

  • 3-4 scallions

  • 3-4 fresh jalapeños

  • 1 small jar of pimentos

  • 1/4 small can of minced black olives

  • Parsley/chopped nuts (optional)


  1. Roll out Velveeta on wax paper.

  2. Roll out cream cheese on top of Velveeta.

  3. Dice scallions and jalapeños and spread with diced pimentos and olives on top of the cheese.

  4. Roll it up and put parsley and nuts on the outside.

  5. Serve with Triscuits.

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